Things You Wish Were Real

November 28, 2014
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Things You Wish Were Real

At one or more points in life, everyone has the crushing realization that something awesome from a film, book, or television show is never, and will never, be real. It’s like when you’re a kid and your parents tell you that the Tooth Fairy is actually the mailman who they’ve let into your room to plant cryptic clues to a hidden treasure of two dollar bills, or when you find out Santa Claus was Jewish. The secret fantasies you harbor tell a lot about you, as unrealities show the inner workings of your embarrassing, nerdy soul.

The below list details what kind of person you are or will become if at any point in your life you’ve secretly (or publicly and shamelessly) wished something was real.


As we all know, magic is not real. Sleight of hand is a thing, but that’s not the same as shooting fire out of your fingertips at some rad monster. If you have ever truly wished magic were real, it means you’ve read the entire Harry Potter series cover to cover at least twice, have almost bought a wizard hat but were getting weird glances (then bought it later when no one was looking), and if you’re a nerd, always played an arcane spellcaster in role playing games just to see how many things you could set ablaze with magic. You also wish that you could use the enlargement spell on your magic wand, if you know what I mean.


According to science I read somewhere, light speed (or faster) travel is kinda a thing people are working on, but no one alive now will ever see it. Anyone who has had fantasies about shooting through hyperspace is a massive Star Wars or Star Trek fan, had a toy Millennium Falcon at some point, and will never actually have the swagger Harrison Ford has, but will still attempt the “I love you”/“I know” thing.

Time Travel

I’d say everyone has wished they could go back a few seconds and not tell their significant other how not obese they are, but such technology is about as unlikely as Hogwarts being in Miami. But anyone who has ardently sat up at night and thought, “time travel would just be the illest,” most likely owns a toy sonic screwdriver, has very detailed opinions about which Doctor was the best, and would in a pinch actually just use the technology to stop time and look at every single set of boobs on the planet. You may also be filled with regret, but mostly about never getting to meet a dinosaur.

Human Cloaking Technology

You really, really, uncomfortably love first person shooters and Starcraft, am I right?

Robots that are programmed to love

This technology is actually frighteningly close to being a real thing, and you’ll all regret wanting robots to practice lovemaking and relationships with, because then they’ll lay siege to your face after the singularity or something. Those who’ve been like, “I wish artificial intelligence was as advanced as in the movies cause then I could stop dating humans,” probably don’t know how easy it is to actually talk to humans, and prefer the company of their iPad (I’m right there with you, technophiles). When the inexorable onslaught of robot revolutionaries come knocking at our governments and stuff, you’ll wish that no one, especially the genius who created truly sentient AI, ever wished they could bump uglies with an android.


As I’ve written repeatedly, I’m still extra unhappy about the Huvr prank, and am amongst the folks who wish that hoverboards were a reality. Those who’ve desired to be like Marty McFly and hover around like a badass have undoubtedly seen Back to the Future I-III more times than is healthy and have at least once said “This shit is heavy” not about a physical object.


You are awesome and if you ever feel shame for wishing you had a lightsaber then the rest of society is wrong because lightsabers are boss.

If you have wished for at least three of these things in the past week, then your favorite sport is Quidditch, and play it despite the fact that no matter how much you believe, you will never be able to fly. Sorry dreamers.

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