Shit Express – The Perfect Gift For An Enemy

November 15, 2014
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Shit Express - The Perfect Gift For An Enemy

Christmas is coming and most people struggle to find gifts for their friends and family. But how about a present for someone you hate? Perhaps somebody used office politics on you and you want a little revenge? Maybe you hold a grudge against an ex-lover?

Well, we have the perfect enterprise for you: Shit Express.

Nowadays companies tend to hide behind crazy names that look good on a business card or in a URL but mean next-to-nothing in the real world. Shit Express does exactly what the name implies. For a fee, the company will mail a box full of animal shit accompanied by a personal message to anywhere in the world. No need to check your calendars, it isn’t April 1st yet.

Peter, the company’s CEO, appears as if he’s trying to position himself as the Internet’s next big prankster king with this new endeavour.

“Every one of us know at least few people who piss us off constantly,” he explained to BaDoink. “Sometimes, it’s difficult to explain the hatred by words. I just wanted to find an original way to punish someone, do it easily with a grin on my face, hidden behind my computer monitor. If I would use the service for myself, everybody could find it useful. Why not give it a shot? Voilà… Shit Express!”

What makes Shit Express a little unique is the fact that it only accepts purchases in Bitcoin, the crypto-currency whose popularity has spiralled out of control in the last 18 months.

“It’s the only option to stay anonymous,” said Peter. “Thanks to Bitcoin, we offered a new service which does not currently have any competition. I love crypto-currencies and the potential they have. I would like to stay in this field and create new services and products for people who seek anonymity.”

Although only horse manure is currently available, there are plans to increase the range of animal muck that you can send to the object of your opprobrium but Peter doesn’t think increasing the range will satisfy demand or skew the original motives of the business.

“Personally, I don’t think the more variety could improve the quality of this send-a-shit service. It’s about the WTF moment when the recipient suddenly and unexpectedly receives real shit with a note from someone. It’s not necessarily about the content which will be, for sure, trashed anyway or put into the garden, in case of the horse manure.”

But it’s the personal message that is probably the real selling point. If sending a box of animal shit wasn’t enough to satisfy your hateful messages, then the message would be the icing on a very poor-tasting cake.

“The funniest message we’ve had was ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, here is my poop’. The weirdest are always those in Chinese, because they include about 10-15 sentences and they have so many deep ideas.

The weirdest message was a guy from Malta who asked me whether we could put his wedding ring on the top of the faeces and then send the box to someone. He wanted to send us the wedding ring first, then we place it into the box and ship it. I said we don’t accept wedding rings, sorry!”

So there you have it… next time somebody calls you out on your “shit-eating grin”, make them eat their words.

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