Above: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Image by Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com

It is said that when parents choose a baby name, they are mapping out the path their child will take through life. So Banjo, Sonnet and Pilot Inspektor (all genuine names of celebrity offspring) are clearly not destined to be politicians, teachers or lawyers. Of course, if you’re born to a loathsome fame whore like a Kardashian, a name is only one of the dubious influences that shape your future. Enter young North West, the as yet blissfully unaware offspring of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Still to reach her first birthday, North is a long way from the age at which one begins to consider what to do with one’s life. Yet this poor hapless infant really has no say in her future. With five brief letters, her parents have already mapped out her life – literally.

North would have made a cute nickname, but as a legal name, the best that can be said for it is that it’s better than Banjo. Possibly North’s parents thought they were being witty when they picked her name. Or perhaps the name chosen by the West/Kardashian brand (for these two are surely closer to being a business partnership than a genuine relationship) was meant as a tribute to director Alfred Hitchcock. Though calling the luckless tot Alfreda would surely have been preferable to naming her after a compass point.

No, the reality can be neither of these. North has most likely already been selected for a career in fashion, something that both parents have attempted themselves. Many designers produce ‘cheap’ diffusion lines (cheap being a relative term), aimed at slavering fashion fans who cannot afford the main lines. In the same way that Marc Jacobs and Victoria Beckham produce ‘Marc by Marc Jacobs’ and ‘Victoria, Victoria Beckham’, young North is surely destined to produce her own diffusion line ‘North, by North West’. There is no other route she can take in life.

Maybe North has already began her career as a designer. Grandma Kris, the evil genius behind the Family, is probably already plotting to market a range of designer diapers under North’s name. Her age is not a hindrance. What more is required of a celebrity designer than to approve designs someone else has created? And kerching! More gold pours into the Kardashian Koffers. But there is a small hope that North will rebel against her fate, refuse to conform, and become an accountant. We can but hope.