Undateable Women on Game of Thrones

April 26, 2014
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Westeros sounds like a terrible place to live. If you’re not starving to death, you’re constantly in danger. Backstabbing is an everyday thing. Honor is mentioned routinely, but really only the pragmatic survive. With all that in mind, dating sounds like a tremendously taxing thing. No wonder arranged marriages are so usual; dating in that time sounds so depressing you might as well just get it out of the way and somehow help your family.

I’m not saying there’s not a handful of beautiful women on the show who’d make an excellent girlfriend, but some of these girls are just terrible choices down the line. I mean, sure, they’re hot, they got spunk, passion and infectious personalities; but let’s be fair, they’re all driven by something way bigger than a partner, and that level of pride/power/revenge would prove too much for anyone.

No one on the show makes me feel this more than Daenerys.


I know, I know, I love the Khaleesi, too. I root for her, too. I think she’s the hottest girl on the show, too. Our beloved Dany might be many amazing things, but an easy person to date is not one of them. Her quest for the Iron Throne has always been her main thing, and you had to know – even if you manage to survive all the battles on your way – that you’d never be more than a glorified First Lady. But then she developed this emancipation enthusiasm, and suddenly you had to realize you’d have to share her love and attention with thousands of other men and women (as I’m sure the perpetually friend-zoned Ser Jorah could tell you.)

Once you get past all the warriors courting her, you’d have to understand that it’s not even about your human competition, because her dragons come first, and I don’t care how tough you think you are, you’re not going to win that fight. Want more discouragement? The only other man she loved – and dated and married – died in tragic circumstances. You can’t win with a dead first love. Do you think the idealized version of the mighty Khal Drago is an easy act to follow? Think about that while you’re feeling needy when riding through the desert for weeks next to thousands of former slaves. I bet your ex-girlfriend doesn’t sound that bad in that moment.


It doesn’t stop at the Khaleesi, though. Let’s think of Melisandre for a second. “The Red Woman” was intimidating way before we knew she was into black magic. I’d say once you’re burning your family members as tributes to the Lord of Light that might be a clear red flag you may have taken an unhealthy relationship a step too far.


Maybe you’re into a kinder, more innocent, blue-collar redhead. Ygritte is cute and her heart’s in the right place, but I think by the time I’d be looking up and about to climb a huge ice wall that – considering my limited climbing skills – would lead to my certain and painful death, I’d probably reconsider my righteous crush on an energetic Wildling. Besides, any argument you could have with her will inevitably end up with her copping out on how you “know nothing.” It’s bound to get frustrating very quickly.


And I’ve always had a thing for Cersei. Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware she’s pure evil, but that’s part of the attraction. She might murder me in my sleep if I ever cross her, and knowing that means I will never have any kind of upper hand in that relationship. But even if I overlook that, the real problem is that she could never truly love me, because, well… I’m not related to her.

It seems dating in Westeros will lead to nothing good. I think Bronn’s approach might be the best: Hang out at the brothel, have a refreshing ale and enjoy your time while you can. Because you know what? Fuck the winter, I’m coming.

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  1. Gag. Glorified first lady? Come to grips with your (male) ego.

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