Binary-Curious

March 16, 2014
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According to an article published in the LA Times on March 4, 2014, a survey conducted by Vouchercloud.net found that 1 in 10 of the Americans they polled thought HTML – the language used in the creation of websites – was some sort of sexually transmitted disease.

Now, where the study was concerned with determining the extent to which the populace understands tech-related terms, I can’t help thinking that what we have here is a golden opportunity to play around with some terminology and come up with a bit of IT-related tech dirty talk – a megabit of tech dirty talk, if you like (you know, the kind that’d make Family Guy’s Quagmire go gigabitty-gigabitty… see, you can already tell that is going to be great).

So, here goes… and from this point on, imagine some film noir-style narration, preferably Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade in The Maltese Falcon

Binary-Curious

The minute that crazy batch job walked into my office I had her flagged as the kind of woman who enjoyed a hot male. I was standing by the Windows, pouring myself a glass of bourbon, while she eyed me up and down. ‘So Detective,’ she said, ‘is that a hard drive in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?’

‘That depends on your bandwidth,’ I said, offering her a cigarette. She took one and put it between her lips. And damn if they weren’t the finest pair of lips I’d ever seen, real classy dribbleware. ‘What’s your problem?’ I asked. ‘Why are you here?’

‘You’re the detective,’ she said, perching her curly bracket on the end of my desk. ‘You work it out.’ She was a character okay.

‘I only solve mysteries outside my office,’ I said. I moved in closer, got a whiff of her scent. ‘I like the way you XML,’ I told her.

‘Thanks. I’m Karel.’ She offered me her hand. I gently pushed it aside.

‘Nice to meet you, Karel. Now whaddya want?’

‘I’ll be blunt, Mr. Spade. I need a front end man in my backend and I heard you were the best.’

So that was it, another one of those glitches looking to get her kludge debugged. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t against getting down to BASICS, but there was something about Karel I couldn’t put my finger on, something that just didn’t double-click, some undefined variable. ‘You wanna go straight to analog?’ I asked, suspicious. ‘No digital play first?’

‘Look Spade, I’m a gal who knows what she wants. I need a man who knows how to function, someone who can RAM it to me, without some random seed making its way into my loophole.’

‘I get it,’ I said, ‘you want some fun without activating your integrated development environment, huh?’

‘That’s right, Spade. Are you man enough for it? Are you a somebody or are you a nobody? A 1 or a 0?’

‘Would it make a difference?’

‘I suppose not, not in the end. I can do both.’

Binary-sexual, huh?’

‘I find it best to keep all my options open. So, what do you say Spade? You want to dig in?’

Binary-Curious

I had to admit it, I liked her confidence. Assertive women have always flicked my on switch. ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘But I got my conditions.’

‘Name them.’

‘Okay, once I’ve pulled out of your crapplet, I get to dynamic dump my django all over that language processor of yours.’

‘I can handle that,’ she said smoothly. ‘Anything else?’

‘Yeah, just the one thing,’ I said. ‘If you give me some kind of virus, I’ll kick you in the sandbox, got it?

‘Understood.’

‘Good. So, how do you like it?’

Quick-and-dirty.

‘You sound like my kind of girl. Oh and once we’re done, you’re outta here. There’s gonna be no cuddling or making Google eyes at each other.’

‘What, I can’t even stay for a coffee afterwards?’

‘You can have one now, before we start.’

‘Do you have java?’ she said, as she slipped out of her dress and stood there in nothing but a tiny black substring.

‘No,’ I said, releasing my python with a solid thunk.

Lights out, cue raunchy sax solo…

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