Eat, drink and be merry, says the proverb. With all the conflicting and confusing dietary advice, you couldn’t blame anyone for taking the hedonistic route and hurtling headlong into heart attack central. One day we’re told to eat truckloads of vegetables, the next the dietary doom-mongers intone that too many carrots and onions will give you toenail cancer. Then another study tells you that it’s ok to eat unlimited onions providing you eat them with asparagus – but no more than 77g per day. So we’re left wondering what the hell we can eat. To spare you further confusion, I hereby present my entirely unqualified guide to health and fitness:
Guilt. Avoid consuming this useless item. You want to eat a cake? Then eat a bloody cake and don’t fret about it. If cake makes you fat, then just eat a small one, or eat a massive one occasionally. Don’t beat yourself up because you indulged.
Worry. Do you worry if you’re eating the right or wrong way? This will kill you faster than eating a burger will. Look, just try to eat reasonably well most of the time, keep the crap to a small part of your diet, and you’ll be ok. You’ve got to die of something sometime. Hanging around until you’re 150 would get pretty boring.
Alcohol. Are you under 30? Then drink what you want; it’s your lookout if you get a hangover. Over 30? You’re not young enough to get away with drinking a lot any more, so cut right down. Yes, you’re getting older. Deal with it.
Superfoods. Blueberries, salmon, pomegranates, green tea etc. You like them? Then eat them. You don’t? Then don’t bother. Nothing’s going to guarantee you a long and healthy life, so don’t force yourself to eat anything you don’t like just because it supposedly has miraculous antioxidant qualities or something. Manufacturers have vested interests in flogging this stuff, remember.
Exercise. Get up off your ass and move about. Walk, cycle, do sport, whatever. Don’t bother with a gym membership unless the instructor is hot.
Diets. Avoid faddy diets; most of them make you fart like crazy. You’ll also be miserable and hell to be around. Just cut the rubbish out of your diet and exercise more if you need to lose weight. Better still, don’t get fat in the first place.
So there you are. Life’s quite simple really.