How to Use Bacon: Rad Ideas From the Internet

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One beautiful Christmas I took a cue from the pocket of the Internet obsessed with everything bacon related and decided to cook a bacon explosion. What’s this, you ask? If the Internet hasn’t directed you to this brilliant invention, then here it is for your bacon pleasure. Needless to say, most of the folks at that particular Christmas were alarmed, frightened, but mostly disgustingly full. And after associating myself with the culinary torpedo that the bacon explosion is, I covered a turkey in bacon for Thanksgiving (and basted that bad boy with maple syrup). Certain Europeans witnessing the event have never been the same.

But covering a turkey in bacon or making a bacon explosion has, seemingly, become a normalized event, thanks to the Internet. This should not discourage you, citizens of the world wide web, from wrapping bacon in bacon in bacon, then sticking a bird carcass in there, but, as we’ve been desensitized by Game of Thrones to head-sploding violence, we’ve also stopped being surprised by bacon insanity.

How to Use Bacon

So, in my mission to bring to light the most inventive uses of bacon (and other meats), I scoured the Internet, and found the greatest food porn a carnivore could ask for, for you, bacon cravers. Some of the recipes I found were not crazy, but I chose them because of pure inventiveness and potential flavor explosiveness.

The first recipe I uncovered, thanks to the best thing on Pinterest, was a New Englander’s best bacon friend. This sounds nonsensically delicious because of the perfect combination of chocolate and bacon, and because everything is better when maple syrup is added. My edits to this recipe: more maple syrup, and maple smoked bacon.

Then there was an outrageous and heavenly bar. I had the pleasure of going to one of this place’s locations in New York City, and I must say, it’s worth the trip from anywhere on the planet just to sample a martini with bacon grease. It’s not quite as huge as a bacon explosion or as seductively delicious as bacon sweets, but it’s the utter death of class in one delicious beverage (and that’s awesome). Suggestion: drink it out of a bacon cup.

If you’ve ever seen Epic Meal Time, and I know you have, Internet, then you know that bacon lube and other bacon sex products are a thing. I’ve never had the distinct pleasure of sampling these products, but the sublime mixture of bacon and sex can’t be anything than a greasy, wonderful mess (makes chocolate sauce look hilariously vanilla). Suggestion: backyard barbecue THEN orgy.

How to Use Bacon

And oh my greasy gods, someone decided to use bacon in one of the other best things in the culinary world, butter! Seriously, is there nothing more perfect than delicious butter infused with bacon that you can spread one everything? Suggestion: spread it on a bagel with pastrami.

For the artsy folks scrounging about the net, there is a post-impressionist bacon experience that will have you curled in a happy, pained food coma and have you one step further to fulfilling your deepest desires to be an artist. If you can achieve this particular Van Gogh rendition, I highly advise you to try making other bacon paintings to impress your friends and work colleagues (their reactions will explicitly tell you what kind of people they really are). Suggestion: The Bacon of Venus.

And if you enjoy taking a classic grillin’ food and using it to destroy your mind, try your hand at the BBQ Pit Boys’ incredibly spicy, incredibly rad, sandwich of the devil himself. These guys know how to take bacon and other meat expectations and demolish them right in front of your stomach. If you think you are awesome enough, try this and other recipes by these intrepid barbecue lads. Suggestion: everything they do, double. You’re welcome, everyone’s stomachs.

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