Bienvenidos, mis amigos! Right now, the one and only Henry Deltoid is in Los Cabos, Mexico, at an all-inclusive resort (yes, I am arrogant enough to refer to myself in the third person, so SUCK IT). Naturally, during my stay I fully intend on exploiting the “all you can drink” option to the most pass-out-shit-faced extent imaginable. And a drop dead gorgeous female acquaintance of mine (who is head-over-heels in love with me, by the way) suggested I write a beer review of the offerings here. What a fantastic idea! I am proud I thought of it. What would I do without myself?
So, what’s on tap at this joint? Only two options: Corona Extra and Negra Modelo; both on tap. That’s fine with me, considering all the tequila and whiskey that I can also imbibe with disturbing regularity until I am completely non-functional from the waist down. I will start with my less preferred of the two. I don’t always drink beer in Mexico, but when I do… where the FUCK is the Dos Equis?
Grupo Modelo S.A. de C.V. Corona Extra American Adjunct Lager
ABV: 4.6%/IBU: insignificant
Corona has some appealing commercials. “Find your beach.” Their ads, unlike the obnoxious and nausea-inducing Coors, Budweiser and Miller commercials, are subtle, tasteful, and pleasant. And… that’s about as good as it gets. While Corona is qualified for drinking at the beach or on the deck of your beach house on a hot day, it really doesn’t set itself apart from its cheap, mass produced competitors, unless you cram a slice of lime Into it. But you could do that to any dime store lager. And in Mexico they don’t even give you a lime.
Corona is golden yellow, with a high amount of carbonation (such is the case with the typical lager) and very little bright white head. It offers no lacing in my classy plastic resort cup. The odor is non-existent save a tiny little hint of plain old beer. The flavor is that of wheat bread, slight bitterness, a touch of sweetness and a skunky flavor. It is slightly creamy and VERY watery. My ability to chug and swallow this beer would make Sasha Grey jealous, although due to the heavy carbonation it makes me belch like Barney from “The Simpsons” after he downs a pint of Duff. It leaves a slight skunky and bitter aftertaste that is decent. Other than that it’s a bore of a beer.
The overall flavor profiles are so weak it’s actually kind of weird to me. I recommend it for beer pong, hazing fraternity pledges, topping off the evening of intoxicating a date for some raunchy and meaningless sex, or for some refreshment by the poolside when a bottle of flavorless water isn’t cutting it. At least it is drinkable, more so than Coors, Miller, or a Bud; but not by much.
Grupo Modelo S.A. de C.V. Negra Modelo Vienna Lager
ABV: 5.4%/IBU: insignificant
Negra Modelo is a slightly higher quality brew than the Corona. In fact, I wouldn’t expect to see a better beer in an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, where in order to be served I just need to walk up to a canopy by a pool in my bare feet, wearing a bathing suit (or even a fluorescent orange Speedo banana-hammock) and a blue plastic wristband.
Negra Modelo pours dark, pine tree bark brown with a one-finger bone white head. The head retention is surprisingly pretty and this brew leaves a very respectable lacing along the inner walls of my disposable plastic resort cup, which is ribbed… for my pleasure. Again there is nothing to smell here really, except a slightly malty and bitter beer. The body is quite creamy and carbonation again is high. The flavor is mostly malty, slightly phenolic, and has touches of green grape and biscuit. It leaves a bitter and buttery aftertaste that is nothing special, but not unwelcome.
It’s an average beer, and for lounging poolside at an all inclusive resort in a country where I would be decapitated and my eyeballs and lips feasted upon by rodents and crows if I wandered in the wrong direction outside the resort gates, only a pompous asshole would expect more… or more specifically a pompous asshole who is more of a pompous asshole than I am, because I am a pompous asshole.
¡Viva Mexico! The Deltoid has spoken.