Henry Deltoid’s Beer Review: Samuel Smith “Nut Brown Ale”

August 2, 2014
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Finally! Samuel Smith has found my beer g-spot, gently pressed its warm and affectionate silky hand against it, and commenced heavy petting with their “Nut Brown Ale”. In my past reviews for BaDoink I have been unkind, but honest and respectful to Samuel Smith, thickly laying harsh and relentless critiques of their recipe choices. I rated their Chocolate Stout an overall 5.5/10 because it tasted like pureed chocolate cake, and didn’t resemble a beer. Last week I gave their organic Pure Brewed Lager a Mommie Dearest wire hanger whipping, rating it an overall 5.5/10 and comparing it to the works of Jane Austen. That was pretty vicious and scurrilous, I must admit.

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Samuel Smith “Nut Brown Ale”

In case it didn’t sink in, allow me to ingeminate:  I would rather superglue a slice of bacon to my penis and perform a wiener windmill in the face of a pack of rabid honey badgers than read a solitary paragraph from a Jane Austen novel.

Nut Brown Ale is… get ready for this shocker… brown. But it does have a red glow to it and is as translucent as a beer of this dark color can be. The head is bone white, voluptuous, slightly erratic in its bubbles and contours, and displays strong retention. The aroma is faint, and not memorable. It smells malty and a tad soapy. The upfront flavor is quite malty, and then bursts with the flavor of chestnuts, peanuts and cashews. It finishes with a slightly salty bitterness and a tad of caramel (but you won’t taste that caramel unless you focus). The aftertaste contains a surprisingly strong flavor of bitterness and enough malt to give it personality. I found myself sucking my tongue against the roof of my mouth for quite a while after I was finished with this beer in an effort to milk as much of that aftertaste as I could. Nut Brown Ale tastes similar to a doppelbock, but without the sweet cola taste, and with a noticeably bitter aftertaste. The presence of alcohol is very mild. When I was a young child I used to say soda “shocks my throat”. Nut Brown Ale’s texture reminded me of that. It’s highly carbonated and bristly. The glassware was splattered with large foamy wads of lacing when I was finished, reminding me of what a bukkake finish can do the bare chest of a willing porn star.

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Samuel Smith “Nut Brown Ale”

English brown ales are known to have either a nutty flavor, or a sweet, fruity flavor. I’ll give you 5 guesses as to which of the two is attributable to Nut Brown Ale. But if you can’t figure it out in one guess you really should consider the fact that you’re a dumbass.

Samuel Smith’s Nut Brown Ale is most fucking excellent. There is not a lot of complexity here, but it does what it does marvelously. It is like that fun-loving, extroverted, down-to-earth broad who has no make-up on and no elaborate hairstyle, but is the naturally sexy glowing life of the party: I could focus on Nut Brown Ale all night, go to bed with it, and wake up to it and not feel disgusted with myself. In fact, I could wake up next to it and gleefully put my lips on it for round 2 before getting out of bed. Sometimes morning beer is the best kind!

Style: 9.5/10

Overall: 8/10

The Deltoid has spoken.

Henry Deltoid’s Beer Review: Samuel Smith “Nut Brown Ale” 1 vote

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  1. Got it bang to rights, Kiké. Now educate me on barley wine and meet me at María’s on 31st.

    • ^ Definitely the most confusing comment I have ever seen on one of my articles. Thanks, I think…

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