Mama Deltoid certainly loves her son Henry. Beer number five from my mama’s Christmas variety 6-pack gift is a delightful Belgian style pale ale by Ommegang of Cooperstown, New York. Ommegang advertises itself as a “brewer of Belgian style ales”. And they ain’t bullshittin’. The people of Belgium seriously owe Ommegang a massive, sloppy, saliva soaked, collective blowjob for their tributes. Ommegang does cheat a little bit on this one as they partnered up with Brasserie d’Achouffe, an authentic Belgian brewer, to create this. So, technically it is not 100% American made. But you’ll sooner find a quadriplegic midget that can beat Michael Jordan in a slam dunk contest then you will find me complaining about that collaboration.
Although they advertise to the contrary (at least on this particular brew), Ommegang beers have a noticeably poignant alcohol flavor to them. I have always considered their brews to bridge the sophistication gap between beer and wine or Champagne. For those of you sipping on your malbec or doux, thumbing your noses at my passion for beer, I am pleased to introduce you to Ommegang. And I am also pleased to introduce you to a large sack filled with “GO FUCK YOURSELVES.” Beer RULES.
The color of Gnomegang is a beautiful, hazy shade of faded gold with a splash of orange. The head is nothing spectacular; 2 fingers in thickness, bright white, fizzy, and doesn’t last very long. Its aroma has a sourness that may lead some to believe it’s a Saison, and not a Belgian strong ale. It carries a sour, citrus aroma with pepper. Right off the bat with the first sip the flavor of booze slaps your tongue to attention like a Marine Corps drill instructor who just noticed your fly was down. It doesn’t make you wince or hack like a shot of shitty vodka. It’s classy and tasteful. Immediately following the alcohol note within this beer are bananas, cloves, and lemons with sugar. It finishes with bitterness that is surprising for a 26 IBU rating, but it quickly disperses and clears the lane for the aftertaste which is what makes this beer an addictive one. The aftertaste starts with a very warm sensation in the mouth and throat. Its profiles also contain ripe banana, bubble gum, and Champagne. The sweet fruit and candy flavors, however, seem to linger like a creepy mustached uncle at the end of the party when almost everyone else has gone home.
The lacing is elegant. It’s foamy, but a very light layer around the glass remains, as if it was painted. The texture of this brew is highly carbonated, and leaves a slight stickiness in the back of the throat. The only complaint that I have for Gnomegang is that the grain alcohol flavor and bitterness take the center stage and block the other profiles from giving this brew the perfect balance.
No American brewer does Belgian style ales like Ommegang. But it’s their business model to keep things Belgian so they better get it right, which they do. Like I mentioned previously, they keep their beers boozier than the real deal. On some days it’s off-putting, and on others it makes me want to drop to my knees and invite the Ommegang brewmaster to give me a LOAD TO THE FACE. This is the type of beer you drink and then crave another. I could drink this brew all night until I was so sloshed I couldn’t get a boner, even if I watched Mila Kunis chow Natalie Portman’s salmon box in slow motion. On second thought, that is incorrect. If my cock was lopped off by Lorena Bobbitt and tossed in a sewer, I could watch that scene at home, and meanwhile a rat under the city street would choke on the sudden sprung erection of my severed member. Did you know Lorena Bobbitt was married 15 years after she hacked off her first husband’s cock? I’d have to ensure the priest modified the wedding vows before tying that knot I were her second husband. “…to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part… and NOT slice off your cock.”
But, enough about severed schlongs. Go to the local spirit shop and get yourself a 4-pack of Ommegang Gnomegang as soon as possible!
Belgian strong ale