Henry Deltoid’s Beer Review: Miles Davis Bitches Brew

July 12, 2014
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Dogfish Head “Miles Davis Bitches Brew” – Imperial Stout – 9.0% ABV – 38 IBU

Mark your calendars for September, you pot-bellied beer loving lushes! Miles Davis Bitches Brew will be released by Dogfish Head this September, and it won’t be around for long when it hits the shelves, although they do appear to be producing bigger batches each year in a seemingly effective effort to satisfy the demand. To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the album “Bitches Brew” by Miles Davis, this beer was first unveiled in June of 2010. Its popularity erected faster and with more ferocity than my Italian salami pole when a Brazilian bikini model viciously splits open her blouse and flashes her luscious flesh balloons before my eyes.

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Miles Davis Bitches Brew

I am not an expert on Miles Davis’s music, but you don’t need to be in order to recognize the brilliance behind it. His jazz art is almost like a musical version of Salvador Dali’s canvas art: it is extremely complex, moody, multi-layered, experimental and surreal; with varying and unpredictable tones, rhythms, and volumes, yet it always maintains a cool, calculated cohesiveness. On paper, the instruments would appear to be at bitter odds with each other, each one belonging to a completely different sheet of music. But they are not. And that’s where the magic comes in. If you remove your understanding of the undeniable technical expertise that makes the instruments sing their songs, you cannot explain why its baroque and wild sound is just so perfect, groovy, and sexy. It just is. And it makes perfect sense that this brew of which I write is named after it.

The liquid is black, muddy, murky, and goopy. The head on this beer is a sexy beast. It is a perfect thick cloud that looks like chocolate malted milkshake. I almost want to eat it with a spoon. When I inhale its intoxicating aroma I pull in dark chocolate, dark roasted coffee, and an herbal sweetness of cinnamon and ginger. There is a tiny element of booze to the aroma which also exists in the flavor. Like the multi-layered album, this brew is multi-layered in ingredients. It’s made from a blend of 3 stouts and a honey ale with gesho (which is an African tree root). It tastes very earthy, nutty, malty, and has a heavy flavor of bitter cocoa and coffee. The honey is not too pronounced as it only carries a slight undertone of sweetness to it with black licorice and even a slightly tangy dark berry flavor. The coffee and dark cocoa definitely carry the bulk of the weight, but the balance is magnificent. The aftertaste is warming from the alcohol, maintains the coffee and cocoa flavors, gently cranks up the bitterness, and compliments everything with tobacco smoke.

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Miles Davis Bitches Brew

There is nothing noticeably special about the lacing; it exists, but not much is there. But the texture is the standout attribute here. You’ll sooner see Steven Hawking beat Kobe Bryant in a round of “HORSE” on a basketball court than you will a beer that has a texture like this. It is syrupy, soft, and sandy, yet it is remarkably drinkable. The carbonation is fairly thick and creamy, and just a bit prickly. This beer has passionate sex with your tongue and cheeks, and then then gives your uvula a blowjob on the way down.

For the price of US$10 per 750ml bottle, do not pass through the fall season without buying at least 5 bottles. Get more if you can. I don’t care if you have to sell your plasma, jerk off in a plastic bowl at a sperm bank, or hop the fence of a school-yard and mug a pack of kindergartners for their lunch money. Make sure you find a way to finance a fridge-full of this stuff.

I have one final note about Miles Davis’s music in the form of a friendly slice of advice: the next time you have a broad in your home for a romantic rendezvous, play Miles Davis on the stereo. If she digs it or is curious and interested in it, keep her. If she scoffs at it or rejects it, she is a classless tramp and you will save yourself an immeasurable amount of future migraines if you take prompt action and remove her from the premises at once. Make sure the door DOES hit her ass on her way out, and don’t even have sex with her first. She isn’t even worthy of a LOAD TO THE FACE. Instead, unleash your hot yogurt into a wad of tissues. There is much more dignity in that. Then pour yourself a snifter of Dogfish Head’s Miles Davis Bitches Brew and crank up the Miles Davis Bitches Brew on your record player. You will be in much better company. Trust me. I’m never wrong.

Style: 10/10

Overall: 10 /10

The Deltoid has spoken.

http://youtu.be/r4G-jQkKNAI

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