The other day I paid a visit to my buddy Julian so I could mooch a video recorder from him, as well as score some burgers and hotdogs. I strategically arrived at his home right at dinner time. The grill was ablaze with sizzling encased pig flesh and dead minced cows, just minutes before consumption readiness. God damn I have good timing. “We are preparing our food outdoors! Summer is finally here!”
Summer is a great time for fruit/vegetable and wheat beers. They are refreshing, sweet, fruity, crisp, and thirst-quenching. They pair nicely with grilled and barbecued meats, pizza, laying in the sun, blowjobs on the back patio furniture, doggy-style sex on the railing of the front balcony, badminton, volleyball, and flying disc tossing. Julian had just purchased a fruity wheat beer called “Tangerine Wheat” by Lost Coast Brewery in Eureka, California. He pulled one from the door of his refrigerator and handed it to me while saying, “This beer sucks. I should have consulted you before I bought it.”
“Yes, you should have, FUCKFACE. What is it?”
“It’s a wheat beer that has tangerines added to it. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought it.”
I scanned the bottle. “It’s from a California brewery. California is one of the best states in the nation for micro-brewing. I’m inclined to think it might be tasty. Why would a California craft brewer distribute a crappy beer to Chicago?”
“Maybe I got a bad batch. I don’t know. You’re welcome to take it home and have it.”
So take it home I did, and have it I did. And Julian was correct. This beer sucks.
I don’t think it was a bad batch, either. After drinking it and taking all my notes I took to the interwebosphere to see what others thought about it. Some were severely brain damaged and claimed to like it but many perceived it to be lame, drawing the same profiles and experience as me. It is a nice looking beer with an orange, rusty, hazy color. The head isn’t arousing; it’s a standard, one-finger thick, off-white, topcoat of foam that settles down quickly, leaving a thin perimeter of white on top of the liquid. The first sign of its tangerine additive was the aroma, which smelled like orange soda and wheat (as expected). There was a moment of happiness and surprise with the initial contact of the beer to my tongue, as it certainly did have a lot to offer… for a moment. Mixed grains, wheat, and a strong but delightful blast of tangerine. “Wow! This tastes pretty good!”
Unfortunately my schlong would last longer betwixt the vaginal lips of Tianna Gregory after grinding 2000mg of Cialis into my coffee than this flavor lasted in my mouth. In a flash it turned straight into the empty taste of seltzer water with a pinch of children’s bubble-bath soap. I fucking hate seltzer water. Why does it exist? It’s flavorless like water, but no matter how cold it is it doesn’t seem cold enough. And the heavy carbonation scratches my throat and vexes the piss out of me. It’s the most annoying beverage on the planet. It is the liquid equivalent of Nicki Minaj’s music.
The aftertaste proudly presents a rancid wheat, stale bitterness and a faint flavor of a tangerine flavored lollipop, or some no-name orange soda that you’d find in a cash only gas station in the middle of Mississippi, sentried by a toothless barefoot man behind the register, who looks like he could be anywhere between the ages of 50 and 85. There was no lacing at all. The texture, if I may back off my vicious criticism of this brew for a moment, was OK. It was highly carbonated and even had a bit of soft creaminess, albeit carrying as much flavor as a stale rice cake.
“Tangerine Wheat” is crap. I refuse to believe a noble effort was put into this. Even the artwork on the bottle is lame. It looks like a high school freshman surfer’s attempt to emulate Picasso after taking a few long draws from a bong. All the other kids in his art class tell him how cool the picture is, but when he walks away they all say “That’s a piece of shit.” To be fair to Lost Coast and their product, there is one jiffy of inspiration when the tangerine and grains present themselves at the initial taste. But that joy sprints away like a retreating bolt of lightning and leaves that awful seltzer water flavor. May I pontificate again about how Seltzer water is THE MOST ANNOYING beverage in the world? It’s like a spoiled, cunting child on an airplane, kicking the back of your seat and screaming throughout the duration of the flight. You want to turn around, grab his head, and slam it into the armrest before folding his body in twain, snapping his spine, and stuffing him in the overhead compartment but you know there’s really nothing you can do about it. We can all agree on that sentiment, yes, yes?
Don’t waste your money on this beer. Steep a tangerine flavored Dum-Dum in tonic water instead. And so help me Christ, if any of you decide to besmirch me due to my hatred for children on airplanes I will fuck your pets.
Wheat, Fruit/Vegetable Beer
IBU: 20 (my best guess)