Henry Deltoid’s Beer Review: Farmhouse Hatter

April 19, 2014
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New Holland “Farmhouse Hatter” – Belgian IPA – ABV: 5.07% – IBU: 53

Damn you, New Holland Brewing Company! I TOLD YOU I needed more flavor from your beer. Did you yank the cocks out of your ears and listen? NO. I’ll bet there still are massive, erect cocks just jammed in those ear canals of yours. This is my third (and likely final) review of your beer for BaDoink. But guess what? I’m praising you this time, actually. Because I love beer so much I have twisted my brain into accepting and understanding your products. I still find them disappointing personally, but I get it now: the lack of flavor and the low intensity of the alcohol is intentional. You want your beer to be among the art of craft brewing, but you aren’t trying to wallop your customers with flavor and you aren’t trying to get them so drunk that they are willing to hump anything with a pulse and a warm, wet hole (or a warm, wet pole). Farmhouse Hatter is the best of the New Holland entries I have reviewed for BaDoink, although it still does not warrant repeat drinking for me (and I stress “for me”).

Farmhouse Hatter

The first glass which I poured from my bomber (22 oz. bottle) contained liquid of an orange and deep, antique gold, and it was very clear. The second pour dumped a lot of the unfiltered yeast into the glass, causing it to be cloudy, and I also noticed a great deal of flocculates, which to me was beautiful. They even speckled the relentless, gooey head. Speaking of that, this beer had an extremely robust head. It was thick, soft, plush, vanilla colored, billowing bliss. If I didn’t know better I’d say someone dropped a Viagra pill in the bottle, and it had a severe case of priapism. “I need this head to go down! Anyone have a vagina I may borrow?” The aroma contained fresh hops, honey, apple, citrus, and a touch of malt. The lacing made the glass look like a foam rave party (minus the sweat soaked skanks, high on ecstasy, making out with each other). So, overall the presentation was magnificent.  It made me wonder why none of these brewers have the intellectual wherewithal to just give us beer drinkers what we want: a collaborative bottle design with Fleshlight! If the beer is going to arouse me so, why not provide me with the means to commit unholy fornication with it? I’m patenting that idea this very instant, and if I EVER see a beer bottle-vagina on a shelf that isn’t mine I’m going to start firing off lawsuits. Stay the fuck away from my brilliant idea.

Farmhouse Hatter

But alas, while it excited me like my first glimpse of a spread-eagled porn star just before watching her get plowed like a snow covered highway, Farmhouse Hatter let me down with its weak flavor, staying consistent with New Holland’s other offerings. Again it tasted great, but it was just too dainty for me. Grapefruit/lemon/heavy citrus, slightly bitter hops, tang, a touch of funk, and wheat. It was dry, with a wonderful array of profiles and excellent balance. It was well carbonated, smooth, and soft in texture. And the aftertaste was very good and provided me with the flavors of citrus, French bread, and bitter hops; and it polished itself off with a sweetness that slowly faded. Unfortunately I simply cannot get past the seltzer water hollowness of the flavor. It is unforgivable despite all the other ass-kicking characteristics. Also, this style ranges from 6.0% – 12% in ABV, but Farmhouse Hatter clocks in at only 5.07%. It just can’t make it in the big league.

After a decent but overall disappointing experience with “Oak Aged Hatter” and “Four Witches” (as well as several others in the past that I did not review for BaDoink), this Belgian IPA remains right along the straight and narrow status quo of New Holland’s tendency to put forth admirable effort and creativity into their brews, develop awesome flavor profiles, but fall one vagina and two tits short of a threesome. However, since their beers are so consistently light in flavor (and in most cases alcohol content) I now conclude that it is their intention; which may not be for me but certainly has its market. Quality and intended results often go hand in hand, and if you’re seeking to tongue kiss your date at an 8th grade dance instead of deflowering your arch enemy’s girlfriend at the senior prom, then I highly recommend Farmhouse Hatter as well as any other brew offered by New Holland Brewing Company.

Style: 9/10

Overall: 7/10

The Deltoid has spoken.

Henry Deltoid’s Beer Review: Farmhouse Hatter 10 votes

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