Henry Deltoid’s Beer Review: Deschutes Obsidian Stout

August 16, 2014
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Obsidian is a naturally occurring volcanic glass. It is deep black and shiny. There are four different types of rock: igneous (which is the type under which obsidian falls), sedimentary, metamorphic, and last but not least: my penile shaft when I see (or even think about) Monica Bellucci topless. I’m not a geologist but I would bet vital parts of my internal organs that it is definitely the hardest type on earth… until about two minutes later (only one minute later if she’s in the same room). Then it’s flimsier than an overcooked linguini noodle.

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Deschutes Obsidian Stout

But I digress. “Obsidian” is a perfect name for this Deschutes stout. It is simply a pure black brew which when poured into a clean glass produces that shiny, glassy, black of an obsidian rock. Like the simplicity of its color it is a simple stout, but one of the best available. It’s an American stout so it doesn’t quite pack the alcohol and thick punch of many stouts out there, but it was not intended to. It was intended to yank down your trousers and gently please your genitals with its aroma, flavor, and texture.

The aroma of Obsidian tricked me at first into thinking it may be a Russian imperial stout. It is sweet, cold, malty and smoky but the sweet sherry aroma is quite pronounced. The head on this brew is cork colored; and is decent, robust, and consistently contoured but it does not last long as a thick, foamy garnish. However, it does maintain a nice thin film of head which rests innocently on top, like a cat on a couch, or a hobo on a park bench… or Monica Bellucci’s nether body regions on my face.

The flavor of Obsidian is, in a nutshell, “excellent”. There is nothing special in terms of standout flavor profiles but it aims to be a solid and drinkable stout, and that’s what it does. Its upfront flavor profile is malt, smoke, and mixed nuts. It then moves to bitter chocolate, bitterness, and sherry. The aftertaste lasts longer than most with its metallic, bitter, malty, and slight sherry touch. The lacing is decent with a sandy, foamy film.

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Deschutes Obsidian Stout

Obsidian has a watery texture that goes down very easily, but it is still creamy, and feels borderline “nitrogenated”. If you don’t know what this means, just know that it means it’s as awesome as a night in the sack with Monica Bellucci… OK, maybe not that awesome, but at least it is awesome enough to make me think of a night in the sack with Monica Bellucci.

A lot of stouts tend to leave a sticky feeling in the mouth that causes thirst, but all Obsidian does is leave you thirsty for another Obsidian. What a clever marketing ploy. Those slimy bastards. American stouts are lighter than most stouts. I prefer imperial stouts because I like them viscous and chewy and boozy. I select them for their ability to induce the formation of a broad, hairy chest, a thick Burt Reynolds mustache, and a growing pair of testicles in my pants. Deschutes Obsidian Stout does not do that, but it is of a particular style which is meant to be very drinkable and still provide the strong taste of a stout.

Have I mentioned that Monica Bellucci is smoking hot? How awesome would it be if she read my beer reviews and then asked me out on a date after this? I think that is quite possible… and I am a reincarnated Abraham Lincoln crossbred with one of those smiling aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Deschutes Obsidian Stout

American Stout

6.4% ABV

55 IBU

Style: 10/10

Overall: 8.5/10

The Deltoid has spoken.

Henry Deltoid’s Beer Review: Deschutes Obsidian Stout 2 votes

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