All Diets Suck, Whatever You Eat!

July 27, 2014
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As many scientists, writers, and foodies have concluded, eating is kinda difficult. Now that engineering wizards have made it so non-food monstrosities can look like delicious comestibles, the question of how we should lead our dietary lives takes far too much brainpower. Here, I’ve tried to break down the main ways of eating into three categories: the delicious and good stuff (The Yummy), the downsides (The Crummy), and something weird you should probably know (The Nasty).

Let’s start with dedicated carnivores!

The Yummy: You can enjoy a good Argentinean barbecue joint, are never a hassle at most grill parties, and can eat bacon whenever you damn well please.

The Crummy: Your cholesterol will probably kill you, good meat is more expensive than any other type of food, and sometimes there is not enough bacon.

The Nasty: Most meat you eat is filled with chemicals due to some nasty part of the production process, like with bacon (pounds and pounds of nitrates and nitrites).

But what about vegetarians?

The Yummy: You are healthier, eat more greens and pumpkin probably, and if all else fails you can still drizzle everything with cheese (pizza is still on the cards, and probably more interesting without drowning out the subtler flavors with too much sausage).

The Crummy: People will ask you why you’re a vegetarian, jerk-wads will eat bacon in front of you (that smell!), and you’ll be a problem in most barbecue settings.

The Nasty: Organic, for the most part, that magic that lured you in, is often a lie, and Farmers Markets have taken your piles of cash for nothing.

All Diets Suck, Whatever You Eat!

Vegans? Vegans!

The Yummy: You know the beauty that is nutritional yeast, tempeh, inordinately large piles of kale, weirdly amazing vegan chocolate cake, and other secret treats. Also, you’re going to live forever.

The Crummy: People will be confused by you fore always, but at least you’ll outlive them. However, what is life without bacon?

The Nasty: As far as I’ve observed, vegans love talking about defecation. This is probably because vegan poops are better than other poops. So, get ready for some fecal chatter.

Finally, what about those people that are totally apathetic to the way they eat?

The Yummy: You’ll never seek justification for eating a second Big Mac, you’ll be totally fine munching on Kraft Dinner any night of the week, and Dominoes will love you. Also, all the bacon you want till the day you die.

The Crummy: You’ll probably die at your desk covered in pizza grease while playing video games, but at least you’ll never have to answer to any nutritionist damn it!

The Nasty: The one dollar fast food burger you ingested years ago is still somewhere in your incredibly unhappy digestive system.

Now, I’m no scientist, but there is evidence for the idea that if everyone were vegan (or mostly vegan), we could save the planet or something. Industrial farming and overproduction of commodity crops used to make all that cheap steak (instead of being used to feed humans) comprise most of the problems in the food world, and cutting down on bacon (oh no!) is a small price to pay for our Earth not exploding. The lesson here is to know why you eat a certain way, and know what your impact is. I may never be a vegan, but at least I know the error of my ways every time I wrap bacon around stuff.

For further information, look up Michael Pollan and Barbara Kingsolver, or search “what the hell is wrong with food” on Google. At least one of these recommendations will help!

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