You can tell a lot about a person based on their mates (UK residents, read: creature you sex upon). A muscular, beach-strutting goliath of a man may actually be a quiet soul who just wants to read Edith Wharton by candlelight, but you’d only discover this shocking psychological twist if you saw him with his bookish, little life partner who has convinced him the beach is a useless, horrid waste of land. But I digress.

What’s more, you can uncover the inner workings of many a sad sack with the knowledge of which celebrity they spend hours staring at. Celebrities constitute many a sexual fantasy in the mind of mere workin’ humans, and one’s real personality can be defined by the object of that ultimate, impossible, probably deeply embarrassing lust.

If any of these fine creatures are on the tip top of your fantasy list, here’s what that desire means for your tortured, Dorito-dust addled psyches.

Zoe Saldana

If you love this blue and green star, you’re most likely a nerd at heart and wish you could mind meld with ladies and ancient trees. Also, somewhere in that brain of yours is the Spock fantasy, in which you seduce a lady with straight up logic (while wearing pointy ears) – “Live long and get busy.”

Alison Brie

You spend way too much time online, enough to realize Brie would probably make love to you till your brain fizzled. Your favorite past time is wishing more stars would pose topless, followed closely by watching reruns of Community till your eyes bleed. You’ll never listen to Christmas carols the same way again.

Scarlett Johansson

You have legitimately good, mature taste in women, but not necessarily the same taste in cinema. You may or may not be in love with your computer, and have a thing for husky, blues voices. Something about being consumed by surreal aliens seems pretty sweet, as long as you get some first.

Jennifer Lawrence

You are only into down to earth women with quirky senses of humor, but also kinda wish you could be trapped in an arena and pathetically dying while some badass lady killed people for you. Lawrence fans secretly want their women blue and shapeshifting.

Emma Watson

You’ve read the Harry Potter series one too many times and have the recurring fantasy of Hermione Granger petrificus totalus-ing you then going to town all over you. Never going to happen, but a man can dream. Also, you’re a bad person and are ruining Harry Potter for everyone.

Jennifer Aniston

You still watch Friends reruns and cling to the notion that the best friends also make the best fornication partners. Also, you thought Horrible Bosses was actually a good movie, which doesn’t bode well for you.

Salma Hayek

You only know one Mexican actress and want to seem interesting, but really are just a simple boobs man who loves zombie films and accents that you’ll only hear on television and in movies (mostly because you never leave your house, you couch bastard). That was a great arc on 30 Rock, though.

Anne Hathaway

You believe you are a sophisticated human of the arts and theater, but really spend most of your time grinning idiotically while remembering that movie she did where she was naked a lot. Or maybe you just love princesses that defy princess norms (admit it, you loved that movie).

Zooey Deschanel

You’re convinced that quirky and glasses means inexorably sexy. Quirky and silly are your main interests, and you’re all about PERSONALITY, which ultimately means you have another celebrity crush you’re ashamed of because it would seem vain. But seriously, Deschanel is probably intellectually frightening in the bedroom (like with whips and shit).

Beyonce

You have the best taste of all these poor bastards, but also will never be satisfied by conventional human contact and be bitter till the end of your days.

And now for the bonus round! If none of these ladies meets your fancy, chances are you dig on man flesh, so here’s what this one fantasy says about you.

Ryan Gosling

You’ve never heard him say words.