Henry Deltoid

henry deltoid

I was born in 1976 and raised in New Jersey where the weak are killed and eaten.  I was very young that year but have progressively aged since.

I attended Purdue University for my bachelor’s degree of science in Bumblefuck, Indiana (or as some refer to it, West Lafayette, IN) where I played lacrosse and joined a fraternity in order to quickly and easily purchase friends, entice shallow girls into my corner room and grant myself access to troughs full of cheap beer.  Somewhere along the way I learned some stuff and got a diploma the day before I left.

Upon college graduation I moved to Atlanta to get a career, buy a house, and become a productive member of society.  I married, divorced (NOT MY FAULT!), sold everything I had, left the south and moved to Chicago in 2013.  Now I am single and happy in a tiny apartment that I can vacuum completely without having to unplug the vacuum cleaner and re-plug it in somewhere else (I do use an extension cord, though so I guess I cheat a little).

I have three cats.  Cats are evil, intelligent, acrobatic, beautiful champions of survival, and they love to kill other animals so they kick ass.  And no, I am not interested in men, so ladies, feel free to send me photos of your bare breasts and pink velvet sausage wallets at will.  I am also known to be quite perverted; so ladies, feel free to send me photos of your bare breasts and pink velvet sausage wallets at will.

Two of my passions are heavy metal and horror films.  Gory, scary, disturbing, horror films fill my DVD collection.   And I love cemeteries.  What I miss about Atlanta more than anything is The Masquerade, a concert venue where I enjoyed various hardcore heavy and death metal shows, going sometimes by myself because none of my friends had the testicular fortitude to enjoy wonderful, heavenly sounds from bands such as Kataklysm, Goat Whore, Napalm Death and Cannibal Corpse.  One would think I have long hair, tattoos and various cool piercings but I have none of those.  I look like a J. Crew model but with a homely face.  I have been told I look like Gollum, or those ugly plastic naked troll dolls with the huge eyes and wild, fluorescent hair.  Thankfully I have thick skin because Jesus Christ, those aren’t even PEOPLE.

I love beer, wine, and hard liquor.  But I really love beer.  Despite the fact that I am a heavy drinker with a focus on beer I have a body mass index that would make a Somali feel heartbroken and hand me a ham and provolone sandwich.  I work out, ski, play tennis, bike, golf, party, and watch sports while I drink so I am quite active.  I’m also a huge fan of online video gaming… but I am well below the average gamer in skill because I typically play in the evening when my BAC is high enough to be mistaken for Hank Aaron’s lifetime batting average.

My dream vacation is a month in Belgium where I would go on a multi-brewery tour, ending at the St Sixtus Abbey.  Who wants to go with me?




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