Evie Emerson

Evie Emerson

I was born in Australia 20 something years ago in a smallish city known for having lots of churches but also lots of shallow graves. The church’s confessional booths would be the perfect place for all the lazy murderers had they not all been turned into nightclubs. Tired of working in cathedral-come-clubs and stepping over bodies I took my body to the other side of the world and put it in Spain for a while. It likes Spain.

When I was 14 I watched The Exorcist and was so scared that I threw up, not in a dissimilar way to the films protagonist. I think that speaks volumes about the way I deal with stress but also about my amazing ability to empathize.

My father said that his greatest shame when it came to how he raised his children was that we all hold our cutlery in the wrong hands. A better person would see that as a compliment. I simply curse him and continue to eat my salad looking a bit like a monkey accidentally flicking bits of food here and there. When I say salad I mean huge bowl of mashed potato. When I say huge bowl of mashed potato I mean gigantic bowl of mashed potato.

I rate my personality in its various forms like this:

Face to face in a group: 3/10

Face to face in a small setting: 5/10

Over the phone: 2/10

Text messages: 7/10

Facebook: 8/10

Emails: 9/10

So as you can see, if you don’t like me in text form then you really aren’t going to like me in person and perhaps we should just call this whole thing off… Why are you reading my online dating profile anyway? That’s what this is, right?

I like to flagellate myself by watching really horrible, heart-wrenching documentaries about sex trafficking and people with drug problems.

I have a very round face (think football) and my sister has a very long face (think horse). We sincerely believe that if our parents were to have another child it would have the perfect shaped head but they are too selfish and have perhaps waited too long. The world misses out yet again.

In the same way that kids like to sit around a fire and tell ghost stories I love to huddle round a bottle of wine and swap embarrassing tales with my friends. Later I use those tales to bribe and manipulate them.

6 years ago someone stole my wallet and I am still waiting for them to come round and pluck my eyebrows as it was on the to do list inside and I think it’s the least that they could do seeing as they scored $400.

I have a perfect nose in terms of both looks and in functionality.

Evie Emerson 2 votes

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